


Five Stages of Grief

by orphan_account



Category: Shin Sangokumusou | Dynasty Warriors
Genre: M/M, i'm very sad now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Li Dian goes through the five stages of grief after Yue Jin's untimely death.
Relationships: Lǐ Diǎn/Yuè Jìn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Five Stages of Grief

**Author's Note:**

> hhhhh i love them
> 
> also pretend like yue jin is dead. i know, evil, but it works for le plot. historically i think they died within a year of each other (li dian in 217 and yue jin in 218)
> 
> yu jin and yue jin's names get confusing, so i'll refer to yu jin as jin and yue jin by his style name (wenqian) or just his full name.
> 
> this is not a part two to the other fic i have of them, that would be too sad

_stage one // denial: denial is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. it is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of loss._

"Mancheng, are you going to the victory banquet with everyone else, or are you going to sit outside under this tree all night?"

Li Dian hummed a response which sounded like a vague "yeah."

Zhang Liao sighed. 

"It's not healthy for you to close yourself off like this, you know," he said. 

"I'm just sitting under a tree, what's the big deal?" Dian asked, not meeting Liao's eyes. "You're making it seem like this is a bad thing."

"It is a bad thing, and you know what you're doing. Listen, I know you miss him—"

"Miss him? Miss who? I'm not missing anyone. No one's dead. I don't know what you're talking about." 

Liao stared at him in disbelief. Did he really not know that Yue Jin was dead? He had to know. Yu Jin had promised that Dian would be the first one he told. His demeanor certainly seemed to show that he knew. 

"Wenqian's still alive, he's just in his room," Dian continued to ramble. "Everything's normal, everything's fine, you're just lying to me, aren't you? Because you think it's funny? Hahaha!"

He took a deep, shuddering breath.

"He's not dead, right? Tell me he isn't, please?"

Liao just shook his head.

"I wish I could," he said, not looking at Dian. "But I can't.

_stage two // anger: as the numbing effects of the denial stage of grief start to wear off, the pain of loss starts to firmly take hold as we search for blame, feel intense guilt, and lash out._

"Li Dian, you aren't controlling your attack. You're just lashing out. The enemy can take advantage of you that way."

Dian swung his wheeled halberd at Yu Jin again, missing him. He let out a growl and decided to swing the halberd at a tree instead. It stuck into the tree with a loud thunk.

He heard Liao say, "Just let him take his anger out, you know what he's dealing with right now."

"He'll have to get over it soon, and you know that," Jin argued. "He can't go out into battle like this."

"Then don't let him. I doubt he even wants to—"

"Will you both stop talking about me!"

The two of them jumped, startled by Dian's sudden outburst. 

"Mancheng, maybe you should go calm down—"

"I am training, I have to! I have to be better because if I'm not, then I don't get to fight and if I don't, then I can't protect anyone else, and that's why it's my fault that he died!"

Oh, that's what this was about.

Jin and Liao had nothing to say to that, because they both knew that they had told Dian to stay behind during the battle where Yue Jin had died. It wasn't his fault, it was theirs. Or at least they felt that way. 

Dian let out a sob. "I hate myself for not being able to protect him. I...I hate him. For dying. He said he wouldn't leave me, but he just lied. I hate him."

"No, you don't," Liao said softly, walking over to Dian. "You still love him."

_stage three // bargaining: bargaining is the "what-if" stage of grief and it serves an important purpose. it provides a temporary escape from pain, provides hope, and gives a person time to adjust to the reality of the situation._

It was midnight. The full moon was out, along with brightly twinkling stars. 

Dian was sitting outside, twirling part of his scarf around his fingers. He saw the characters 樂進 embroidered into the end of the scarf and felt his heart sink. He flipped the scarf over so he couldn't see them. 

A bright star caught his eye. It was closest to the moon, as if it were the moon's small child. Dian remembered that when he was little, his mother told him that if he wished upon a star, his wish would come true. She had said there was a rhyme, but she had always used one that she made up herself.

I wish so hard, upon a star

For my wish to be

I wish so hard, upon a star

Because this wish is for me.

This is my wish, I'll say it now

And then I'll go to sleep

This is my wish, I'll say it now

And when I wake, it will be

Then she would say her wish, and it was supposed to come true the next morning. 

"If I wished upon a star, would it bring Wenqian back?" Dian wondered aloud. He tried the rhyme, but he didn't know if he could sleep. He wanted it to work. He knew it had to work. 

"What are you doing?" asked a rather accusatory voice. 

Dian jumped. Jin was standing next to him. He hadn't noticed Jin walk over to him.

"None of your business," he replied, a little harsher than he meant to. Jin's expression softened a little as he sat down with him. 

"I know it's still hard for you, but Yue Jin's not coming back, no matter how many wishes you make," he said to Dian. "Besides, he wouldn't want you to be this sad. He told me that."

"How am I supposed to not be sad? What, do you want me to be like, 'Oh, looks like he's dead, time to find a new boyfriend!' I can't do that, Jin, and you know that!"

"I'm not trying to say that. But you look like a wreck. And he would be very upset to see you like that." It was true. Dian looked terrible. His hair was a lot messier than usual, he had bags under his eyes from a lack of sleep, and his overall demeanor was just very, very miserable. 

Dian sighed.

"I don't want to accept that he's gone. He can come back if I just wish hard enough," he mumbled. 

Jin knew that protesting wouldn't get him very far, so he just said, "You should get some sleep," and walked away.

_stage four // depression: this type of depression is not a sign of mental illness, it is the appropriate response to a great loss. you might experience intense sadness, decreased sleep, reduced appetite, and loss of motivation are common._

Liao tried to coax Dian to do something, anything, but Dian had appeared to lose all motivation to do anything except sit in his room with his back to the door so no one could come inside. There were whispers around the camp that maybe he had died of grief, because he hadn't gone outside at all.

"You need to come outside, Mancheng. This is getting unhealthy, and it's unlike you. Even Jin is worried about you."

There was a long silence before he got the response, "That's a very funny joke, Wenyuan."

Liao smiled at Dian using his style name. "No, really. He asks me every day if you're doing better. He's always harbored a soft spot for you and Wenqian."

Nothing.

"Seriously, Mancheng, you need to come outside. We're worried about you. You haven't ate, and I'm willing to bet that you haven't slept either."

"...Please leave me alone."

_stage five // acceptance: acceptance refers to accepting the reality of a loss and the fact that nothing can change the reality. this does NOT mean that the person is "okay" with the loss._

It took a long time, but Liao was able to convince Dian to do things other than sit by his door all day. Cai Wenji had been able to play lullabies to help him sleep, and he had gotten more of an appetite. He had even been convinced to attend a few victory banquets, though he always left early. It was still progress.

"How are you feeling?" Liao asked one night after leading Dian somewhere quieter, away from the loudness of the party.

Dian shrugged. "Just tired, mostly. Everything is so loud. I understand why Wenqian didn't like these events."

"Didn't? Don't you mean doesn't?" Liao was so used to Dian referring to Wenqian in present tense that this was a surprise.

"No. I mean..." He sighed. "I know he's gone and that he won't come back. And I don't know if I'll ever be okay with that. But I know he'd want me to be a little happier. So I try to be."

"You don't have to try. When you're ready, you can be truly happy," Liao said to him, bringing a small smile to Dian's face. "Wenqian would be proud to see how much you're progressing. You're doing better now."

"I know."

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a comment letting me know what you thought!


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